How did they get the air inside of a tennis ball?
Is a cult a religion without any political power?
If you want to grow your own dope leagally, should you plant a
politician?
Are diets for people who are thick and tied of it?
Why is it, every time I lose weight, it finds me again?
Are there four food groups? Fast, frozen, instant and microwavable?
Is Edam the only cheese that's made backwards?
Should you ever fry bacon in the nude?
Does a candy a day gives the dentist his pay?
Is the best drinkers breakfast a pot of coffee and a straw?
Were Ice cream cones a sex symbol before Madonna came along?
If it tastes good, should you spit it out as it's probably bad for you?
Were belly buttons made for salad cream for when you eat celery in
bed?
Did God make whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world?
If alcohol is so bad, why are there more old drunks than old doctors?
Could anyone care less about apathy?
Is it true that it doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose?
Should you be nice to smokers, as they don't have long to live?
Are crop circles the work of cereal killers?
Are the Swiss Army the lukiest in the world? 500 years without a war?
In space - Do astronauts toss and turn in there sleep?
What if dracula had to go to the toilet in the middle of the afternnon?
If you stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards and got a full
house would the other players all die?
Is "tired old cliche" a tired old cliche?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Why do they very rarely sell car boots at car boot sakes?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God took acid, would he see people?
If you go to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time, could you
order Cornflakes durning the middle ages?
Why do people take babies on holiday? They've never worked a day in
thier lives - they don't need a holiday.
Is an Estate agent a Lawyer that didn't make the grade?
If the Evian spring ever ran out, would the middle class become
extinct?
Why is Ronnie Biggs called a Great train robber? He robbed one train,
got caught, and lost all the money. He's a shit train robber.
Now Woody Allen has married his Step-daughter Soon-Yi, has he
become his own father-in-law?
Is there no fool like a fruit fool?
Is it cheaper to steal wholesale than retail?
If you lived in Stepney or Streatham, could you increase the value of
your house by saying the property was in St. reather or St. Epney?
If an insect became extinct without us ever knowing about it, would it
ever have existed?
Why do you always get a shock when you see somebody you know on
the television?
Why do we call ourselves the human race? Is somebody going to win?
Our planet is shooting through space at 67,000 miles per hour, and
spinning around all the time. Why do we all put our faith in a mis-placed
trust in gravity?
What happened to Windows 4 to 94?
Why are we meant to pray to god before we eat? He didn't make it.
When you are going to buy a new CD or record, and you tell someone
what you are going to buy, why do they always say "Yes, if you like
that singer/group, you'll like the album". If you didn't like that
singer/group, why would you be buying the albumn in the first place?
Is the only difference between lawyers and peadophiles the fact that
lawyers fuck everybody?
Is the only good use for a tie to clean your glasses?
Why do people buy expensive pens when they can biros for 25 pence?
Why do you always find biro's, but loose expensive ones?
If the good die young, is that not good for them as the good always go
to heaven?
If bad girls go everywhere why is it so hard to find a woman who'll have
sex on the first date?
Do bad Satanists goto heaven and good ones go everywhere?
Why are you always late for work on the day your season ticket runs
out?
When your season ticket runs out, where does it go?
Why are trains always on time when you are late, but always late when
you are on time?
Is life just one big deep thought?
If we still can't find out how long a piece of string is, how are we going to
find out how long a rope is?
Was Colonel Sanders ever in the army before he started making fried
chicken?
Do people who live in listed building have to be good at the piano?
Would the easiest way to find nucience phone callers be to find the
people with the biggest phone bills?
Can people give up hypnotism by smoking?
Is Hepatitis B the most dangerous of insects?
Is Hepatitis C the most dangerous place to swim?
If you saw someone drowning, and it was only 55 minutes after you had
eaten, would you have to wait 5 minutes before diving in to save
them?
Would a really unpopular kid at school eventually get rushed to hospital
with 80% Chinese burns?
If your Yoga teacher doesn't like you, would it put you in a difficult
position?
Why is 'M' the logo for the Millennium Dome, when in Roman numerals
2,000 is 'MM'?
Why are people so obsessed with how fast that a car can go from 0 to
60, when they should be a lot more concerned about how fast it goes
from 60 to 0?
In a boat race, if boat number 16 is going a lot slower than the rest,
should you really make sure it's not boat number 91 that's capsized?
Why do parents never name their children Adolf these days?
Why does fire always burn upwards? How does it know?
If a pilot drove someone mad, would he need a co-pilot?
Why do never see topless women on a topless bus?
Why is the number of time I've drunk a beer always the same number of
times I've had a good time?
If love is blind, why is always the physical attractiveness of someone that
makes us fall in love?
When a Lion tamer is mauled by one of his lions, why do they always say
that they were shocked that the lion, that he'd tried since birth
tried to eat him? Why do I always think - what did you expect the bloody
lion to do?
Can anyone explain why the x-files is so popular?
Why are they called red Indians when they are a sort of bowny colour?
Why are they called Indians when they are from America?
From the piece of history when the Greeks left that giant horse (which
was just big enough to conceal a whole army) for the Trojans we
derive the saying, "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts?", shouldn't the
phrase have been "Beware of Trojans, they're complete idiots"?
If you joined the army, then left to join the catering corps, would you
become a dessert-er?
Would Americans call the recent Selsey Tornado "A brief gust of wind"?
Are they searching for ice on the moon so that the next astronoughts to
visit it could make themselves a decent Gin and Tonic?
Why do so many things floating around in space sound like items from a
sex toy catalogue? The cassini probe, the Huygens explorer - and
don't forget the rings around Uranus.
We see many Chinese Elvis impersonators, why do we never see any
American Confucius impersonators?
Why do they call some pubs 'free houses' as you still have to pay for the
beer?
Is the easiest way to tell the difference between an oral and rectal
thermometer the taste?
Do bouncers go to a special college where they learn how to be such
twats?
We all know who painted the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, but who did
the floor?
Does the Queen sometimes have a bad heir day?
Back in 1488 way "Ye Olde Tea Shoppe" called "Ye Brande newe Tea
Shoppe"?
Is a man who cannot even say less than nothing a very poor man
indeed?
Is the biggest dilemma in life when you need to have a shit, and vomit at
the same time? Do you decide which end to put in the toilet first
because that would be what you would least like to mop up off of the
floor afterwards?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does the Pope wear practically the same uniform as the Ku Klux
Klan?
How close is close?
How far is far?
If you named your child "I", could he talk about himself in the first,
second and third person at the same time?
To ride, or not to ride, is that the equestrian?
Do cats have to pay nine times more for their life insurance?
If spiders find it so hard to get out of the bath, why don't they take a
shower?
Should we let women and children watch 'The Titanic' first?
Can anybody watch pornography without a pornograph?
Must the police be doing a good job as all of the prisons are full?
Do Red Indians have Red corner shops?
Could Marty Feldman ever look you in the eyes?
Why can we have darks on our cars instead of lights?
Isn't it strange that most UFO sightings are seen after closing time, by
drunks, near airports on fireworks night?
Is Camelot, the company that runs the national lottery, the exact opposite
of Robin Hood? It takes from the poor (who are idiotic enough to
play it), keeps something for it's shareholders, and gives the rest to the
needy rich so they can keep listening to opera?
Do disabled people and herpes have a lot in common as they both travel
around the world in crutches?
With odds of winning being 14,000,000 to 1, is the lottery a triumph of
hope over logic?
To live the life of Riley, do you just have to change your name to Riley?
People say elephants are found in Africa and India. How can anyone
loose an elephant?
Why do they have stop signs, but not go signs?
How does a penguin scratch it's nose?
If ferrets wore clothes would they put people down their trousers?
If attack is the best form of defence, how come Germany has never won
a war?
Why do people press harder on the remote control when the battery is
dead?
Americans throw rice at weddings. Do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
Even when you are not wearing a watch why do you still look at your
wrist if somebody asks you what the time is?
Why do people go to Burger King, order a double whopper with large
fries, and then a DIET coke?
Why pinch an inch when you can yank a yard?
If a taxi driver drove backwards, would he owe you money?
If a train stops at a train station, what happens at a work station?
If you thought you were in love with a philosopher could he prove that
you didn't, because you don't actually exist?
Why is the London Underground so obsessed with 'The gap'?
Are their only two things certain in life - Death and taxes?
When a man says he loves a woman until the end of time, does he
usually mean closing time?
If you tried to smuggle cocaine into Ireland in a condom would they
confiscate the condom?
Are Michael and La Toya Jackson the same person?
Whenever the weather men on TV say there is going to be really bad
weather, they always say don't leave your house unless the journey is
necessary. Isn't every journey necessary?
Why did they have an inquest into Ayrton Senna's death? He drove his
car at 200 m.p.h.in to a wall - is it not obvious what he died of?
If football is the peoples game, how come neither you nor I can get paid
£30,000 a week to play it?
Do they make lemonade from fizzy lemons that come from fizzy lemon
trees in fizzy orchards?
Why do pubs either have a disgustingly patterned carpet, or
floorboards? Is it because vomit is disguised on disgusting carpets and
easy to clean off of bear boards?
Was the most famous Roman spy Double 'O' VII?
Does the BBC use roman numerals to tell us when a program was made
so it's more difficult for us to tell if it's a repeat or not?
Why?
At the entrances to car parks, why do they hang those pieces of wood
on chains that keep hitting our vehicles before we enter? And why do
they let us know that the piece of wood is 2.2m long? Is this a maths
test?
Why do we think the traffic light will change if we talk to it?
How do you believe a sign that reads "Post No Signs"?
If the universe is constantly expanding, how come I can't find a parking
space?
Is the best way to be a leader with a large following, just to obey the
speed limit on a winding, two lane road?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
What exactly is the difference between "partly cloudy" and "partly
sunny"?
Why does the wind blow from the east if the weather front is coming from
the west?
If the temperature today is 0 degrees and the weather man says it will be
twice as cold tomorrow, what will the temperature be?
Have you ever wondered what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
If the sky was red, would blue cars be purple?
Why is it that just after you buy the mightiest snow blower known to man,
it stops snowing?
Is a good example of afterthought, trying to close your mouth after you've
stuck your foot in it?
If you live in a state of chaos, do you need to pay taxes?
If you do tongue twisters, how do you untwist your tongue?
Just where do baby storks come from?
What does "how come" mean? Is it a command for a dog named How,
to come?
Why do long haired white cats only like sleeping on dark furniture and
dark clothing?
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
What happens to the fish when lightning hits the water?
Do fleas care if their children go to the dogs? Why do people say, 'watch
your head' when there is no possible way that you can do that?
Could your eyes be called an school , because there are pupils there?
What purpose do freckles serve?
Why don't they call moustaches, "mouthbrows"?
Is your conscience that small inner voice that doesn't speak your
language?
Don't you think that Beauty is only a light switch away?
If God had meant for us to take showers, wouldn't he have put our
armpits on top of our shoulders?
Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if people had
tails?
Why are so many unsolicited emails advertising software to send
unsolicited email?
Why do all companies advertise their product as being voted the best?
Doesn't every product get that award from their makers?
Why do commercials for clothing have kids in them who are perfectly
clean? Don't they know that no kid alive EVER stays clean for more
than ten seconds?
On TV, the commercial says that 8 out of 10 people suffer from
Haemorrhoids. Does this mean the other 2 people enjoy them?
If you went into a bookstore and asked the salesperson where the
self-help section is, would they tell you? And if they did, wouldn't that
just be defeating the purpose?
Why do children act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach
them good manners?
Why is it okay for a baby to burp, but not her older siblings?
Why is it that the hardest thing about business is minding your own?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
words, how dangerous is a fax?
Is the reason why computers can do more work than people, the fact
that they never have to stop and answer the phone?
If you went that extra mile at work, would your boss find you and bring
you back?
Why is it that when I take a long time doing something, I'm slow, but
when my boss takes a long time, he's being thorough? And when I
don't do it, I'm lazy, but when my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy?
Is the good thing about standards, the fact that there are so many of
them to choose from?
If everything worked right, wouldn't you be out of a job?
What if when you reach the top of the ladder of success, you find that it
was leaning against the wrong wall
Why are those labels on the back of your shirt collars made out of the
most irritable material on earth?
Who designed clothing so that a tug on one thread will undo an entire
hem, or make a button pop off instantaneously
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Does being right half the time beat being half-right all the time?
Why is it that the term 'mental institution' can be used to describe both an
asylum and a college?
Is correcting incorrect "uncorrecting"?
How many Megabytes of RAM are there in the human brain?
Considering how easy a spider-web can be brushed away, just how does
Spiderman climb walls?
Why is it that on Star Trek, all the aliens encountered from many different
galaxies, all speak English, yet on Earth most people do not?
In the movie Grease, why does Danny wear 70's clothes to the dance
when it's supposed to be in the 50's
In the show 'The Brady Bunch', if Mike Brady was such a great architect,
why did they have 6 kids and only one bathroom?
What was Robin Hood's mother known as? Mother Hood?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is the reason it's called take-home pay the fact that there is no other
place you can afford to go with it?
Do the soft drink signs that read "Drink Canada Dry", encourage
alcoholism in Canada?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese
shredders?
If you put orange juice in the freezer, it becomes frozen. So why, when
you squeeze an orange, doesn't it become squozen?
How many tiny packets of duck sauce and soy sauce do you suppose
are thrown away every night with empty take-away Chinese food
containers?
If a person who loses his sight is blind, and a person who loses his
hearing is deaf, and a person who loses his voice is mute, what do you
call someone who loses his sense of smell?
Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?
If models are the ideal look, why do so few people look like them? Who
decided what was the ideal? And what size jeans did THEY wear?
If everyone was the ideal, would things ever come to an end? After all,
there'd be no fat lady to sing, right?
If the "survival of the fittest" model of evolution is correct, how come
average international health and intelligence levels are decreasing
with time? Does this indicate that the "fittest" are not quite-as-bright as
couch potatoes?
Isn't depression simply anger without enthusiasm?
If you sneeze with your eyes open, will they pop out?
If walking is so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the
Hut?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If
not, then what was the purpose of the bath?
Why are they called Monkey Wrenches? How many times have you
seen a monkey using them?
Why does the grass that grows along the edge of the road, the same
grass that gets covered in noxious fumes and only mowed twice a year,
look better than the grass in your backyard, the same grass you
painstakingly labour over, fertilise, and religiously water?
Isn't Duct Tape just like the Force? It has a light side, a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
Is it true that those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't?
Is originality simply the art of concealing your source?
What is the contraction for will not? Willn't?
Who was it that first referred to a rock as a rock and not a pot, a hole, or
a tree? And why did he make that decision? What finally made him know
that it was indeed a rock?
What is another word for stuff?
Which is correct: semi literate or semi illiterate?
Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put
his beer?
Do the quality control people on the production line at the M+M candy
factory, throw away all the sweets marked with W+W?
Do mountain climbers tie themselves together with ropes just to prevent
the sensible ones from going home?
Who buries all the stuff that archaeologists dig up?
In a James Bond film where there are fifty bad guys and just one of him,
why does he never gets hit but they always do?
Just how much is that doggy in the window? You know, that one with the
waggely tail?
Why is Barney the Dinosaur so happy all the time?
Don't we all know all the answers, just as long as they ask the right
questions?
If we ever see the light at the end of the tunnel, how will we know if it's at
the wrong end or not?
Why is it that we're never too old to learn something stupid?
Spelling has never been my best subject, but if you think about it, doesn't
someone who can only spell a word one way, lack imagination?
Why are teenagers expected to be mature enough to make their own
decisions about clothing, dating, etc., but their parents won't let them?
Since McDonalds sell Big Macs, doesn't that mean they have Little Macs
as well? And why don’t they sell them?
Why do the plastic bag manufacturers not want adults to associate with
children? After all, they say 'Keep away from children' right on their
product, don't they?
Why is it that a clean desktop is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer?
Is it true that the closest to perfection a person ever comes, is when they
fill out a job application?
If you work at night, can you have a "bad day" at the office?
Why do most bosses think the best reward for a job well done is more
work?
Some cigarette packages display the warning 'Smoking during
pregnancy can harm your baby'. Just how does the baby get pregnant
before it's born? And if it started to smoke, wouldn't that be a bit
uncomfortable for the mother?
Who has the "copyright" on the ©copyright symbol, or the (tm)
Trademark symbol?
When they say that something is maintenance-free, do they really mean
that when it breaks, it can't be fixed?
Do black widow spiders kill their males after mating just to stop the
snoring before it starts?
What should be our reaction to "killer bees"? Should we be afraid or
impressed?
Why is it, that when I am typing up a paper for a college late at night, my
cat decides that it's the perfect moment to walk across the
keyboard? Is she just commenting on my work? What is she writing?
Why does it always look like 'nnghiiiiiiouuunnggccsaaaaarrrrrrrr'?
If lemmings follow, do followers lem?
If a Parisian falls off a bridge, does he go in Seine?
We have crude oil, so why don't we have cultured oil?
When you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast,
should you just find a supermarket line to reassure yourself that it isn't?
Why, no matter what happens in one day, the news fits perfectly into the
newspaper?
If we want to support the right to bare arms, should we wear short
sleeves?
Why are the good answers always the ones you think of later?
How come when looking for something really important, you can never
find it? And why do you always come across it three days later
when you are looking for something else?
Can you use "ear wax" to wax your car?
When we make mental notes on something, where do we put them?
Just who is it that models for all those Halloween Masks?
Is life just something to do when you can't get to sleep?
Why is it that if you ask any failure, they will tell you that success is just a
matter of luck?
Why is only one side of aluminum foil shiny?
Where do all the world's missing pens go?
Do they teach Murphy's Law at Law school?
Why do they arrest people for creating a disturbance? How do they
know they were not just improving one that was already there?
Is it true that 'Understanding' is a three edged sword - your side, my side,
and the truth?
If common sense was really common, wouldn't we all have it?
Why do people tell us to be alert when they want our attention? Just
what is a 'lert'?
You know the old rule; 'I' before 'E' except after 'C'? If Einstein had
listened to that, would he be able to write his own name?
Are the stars and planets studying us?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
How come it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it's a
sport?
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
If we're thinking of not doing something because we'll hate ourselves in
the morning, why don't we just plan on sleeping till noon?
If you can't get in trouble for doing it, would it be fun?
Where are the most lies told? On the golf course or to the Inland
Revenue?
If Nobody's perfect, and I am Nobody, does that make me perfect?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Is the problem with reality the fact that there's no background music?
Would you have to think twice before giving something a second
thought?
Isn't being logical just the art of being wrong with confidence?
How do we know if we're thinking straight?
If we all thought alike then would any of us be really thinking?
Do woodchucks actually chuck wood? And what is meant by the act of
chucking wood?
If life is all nothing but a dream, are heavy sleepers then considered
realists?
If someone is always better, then why try to be the best?
Who is it that first said 'Do as I say, not as I do'? And isn't that a bit
hypocritical?
How do we know if it's later than we think?
Why can't we put all our eggs into one basket? Isn't this just being more
efficient?
If knowing is half the battle, then what is the other half?
If great minds really think alike, then what makes them so great?
Why is it that no matter if we think we can do it or we think we can't,
we're right?
Is it true that women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street boldly and still think they are beautiful?
Is a structured conversation between a husband and wife where she
gives her opinion and then she gives his opinion?
Why do people feel compelled to share horror stories such as 48-hour
labour to pregnant women, especially in their last months? Or 'little
monsters' (read: children) to new mothers/fathers and parents-to-be?
Why is it that we can all accept good advice gracefully, only if it doesn't
interfere with what we intended to do in the first place?
Why is man the only animal that goes to sleep when they're not sleepy
and gets up when they are sleepy?
Why is it that no one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more
thoroughly than the one who's giving it?
When people turn on a light bulb and it burns out, why do they turn it on
and off again to make sure?
Why do people always cringe and groan in sympathy, as if they could
feel the pain, when a male character gets hit, especially in the groin?
If a man talks in his sleep but still does not divulge any hot information for
his wife, is this a case of mind over mutter?
Rather than trying to keep up with the Joneses, wouldn't it be cheaper to
try and drag them down to your level?
When meeting someone new, how do you know when the first
impression is over? And when can you get back to being your real self?
Why do people on a Sit-In say that they are standing up for their rights?
What exactly are they doing, sitting down or standing up?
Why do news reporters take an hour to explain what the Prime Minister
said in 5 minutes?
Are pedestrians just those people who have found a place to park?
If the universe is constantly expanding, how come I can't find a parking
space?
Just before an impending accident, why do passengers always yell out
'Hey, is that a truck?' approximately one nanosecond before impact?
When travelling on a family trip in your car, why can't everyone ever
agree on what to listen to on the radio?
Why does the person driving always get to choose the radio station?
Why is it that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, yet anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?
Why is it that whenever you see a parking space and you make a U-turn
to get to it, by the time you're there,someone else has taken it?
If someone was to unquestionably resolve the space/time continuum and
solve the riddles of origin and existence, would they suddenly die
of 'mysterious causes'?
How long does it take to kill time? After you kill time, why does it always
come back? If it comes back are you really killing it?
If space is the final frontier, what's time?
Why is it that facts always keep interfering with our theories?
If time and space are relatives, do we have to invite them to our family
gatherings?
Is it going to be acceptable to write January 1st, 2000 as '1/1/00'?
Why do people print out all of their e-mail? Doesn't that just defeat it's
purpose?
Why do they make those '. . . For Dummies' books? And if you really
were a dummy, would you have the sense to buy it?
Just what kind of idiots does Microsoft take us for?
If you put a computer in a very cold room, would it get frost-byte?
If anonymous log-ins require you to give your e-mail, then how is it
anonymous?
If the Internet is the Information Superhighway, where are the Patrol
cars?
Why don't they make computers that will do what we think we want them
to do?
What is with all this concern about computer illiteracy? Since when do
we expect inanimate objects to read?
Are black holes the equivalent of heaven and hell for agnostics?
Is it possible to refer to the universe out of context?
Why do mathematicians keep wanting to mess up the alphabet? You
know, when they keep saying 'if a=b and b=c ...'
Is it true that after God created woman, he atoned by creating beer?
If money's the root of all evil, why do the churches want it?
Why, in all systems of theology, is the devil portrayed as a male?
Is it true that the best new years resoloution is to give up worrying about
eating, drinking, smoking and womanising too much?
Why do we celebrate Christmas when that is the only day all the pubs are
shut?
If patience is a virtue, what is patience to a man with no virtues?
Everyone is born, but why does nobody remember it happening to them?
If you travelled back through time and you saw somebody travelling
forward through timw, would it be best to avoid eye contact?
If you set yourself on fire, would looking into a mirror really put you in a
panic?
Who enforces the laws of physics?
Is it cheaper to get a lawyer eho kows the law, or who knows the judge?
We were given ten commandments by god - so why are there so many
laws?
Does a really thoughtful couple keep a piece of their wedding cake for
thier divorce lawyer?
Why is it, whenever I put my foot down, my wife steps on it?
Why is the easiest thing to do fast is to get tired?
Why do people say they have showbusiness in thier veins? Surely they
should have blood?
When a man has a birthday he takes a year off, why does a woman take
10 years off?
If you can't hear a pin drop, is there something wrong with your bowling?
Is Mick Jagger the only person in England with child bearing lips?
Where is Hiding? Is it a small vilage somewhere that's hard to find?
Is the only difference between a THERAPIST and THE RAPIST a
space?
If a person was convicted of MANSLAUGHTER, could he be innocent
because he was a dyslexic comedian that was trying to get a MANS
LAUGHTER?
Is the easiest way to join the police to use handcuffs?
Did stupid Vikings kill the women and rape the sheep?
Paranoid people are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid?
When playing cards, does a .44 magnum beat 4 aces?
Should you invite O.J. Simpson to your Christmas dinner as he's so good
at carving white meat?
Is the problem with the gene pool the fact that there is no lifeguard?
Is a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory?
If you must choose between two evils, should you pick the one you've
never tried before?
Is it true that a fool and his money are soon partying?
Is it true that if money can't buy love, it can rent a good imitation?
Can you plan to be spontaneous tomorrow?
Is it true that if drugs lead you nowhere,at least you go via the scenic
route?
Why do bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques?
Is it the 99 percent of lawyers that give the rest a bad name?
If you stand on a toilet, are you high on pot?
Do bird farts smell like worms?
If everyone was color blind, would we know it?
How come Yogi Bear never ate the ranger?
If you quit quitting, are you a quitter?
What would the world be like if we could harness the power of a fart?
What would a fan do in space?
If you fart more than your body weight, could you fly?
Is Gods name God, or is it just a title?
Could you ask room service to bring up a larger room?
Is the second day of a diet always easier than the first because you're
always off of the diet by the second day?
If it wasn't for electricity, would we all be watching television by
candlelight?
When you go into McDonalds, and order fries, do they ask if you want
fries with that?
How exactly do the chalk outlines drawn around murder victims help
solve the crime?
Is the easiest way to find something you've lost around the house to buy
a new one?
Does one good turn get all the blankets?
Is life the most easily caught sexually transmitted decease?
Is an unbreakable toy the best thing for breaking other things?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who
said "Quit while you're ahead"?
Should you ever lick a gift horse in the mouth?
Why do we call them Turkeys, when they very rarely come from Turkey,
but from Bernard Matthew's farm in Norfolk?
Would a dyslexic devil worshipper sell his soul to Santa?
Is a Russian four seasons pizza made of winter, winter, winter and
winter?
Was Rudolph the only reindeer to have a red nose because he was at
the front, and he had the brakes?
When people who suffer from panic attacks do not get their regular
attack, would they have a panic attack because of the worry over where
their regular attack has gone?
Why do dry cleaners put up signs saying 'Professional' dry cleaners?
Where are the ammeter dry cleaners? What do they do - dry clean your
clothes with white spirit pr something?
Why are there signs that say a building has been architecturally
designed? Who else would design a building? A butcher?
If you live in the lap of luxury, what happens when luxury gets up?
Why do we let trainee hairdressers cut our hair for a third of the price?
Would we let a trainee surgeon operate on us for as third of the
price? Or a trainee dentist take out our teeth?
Why do I always find myself doing eight miles per hour in the outside lane
of the information superhighway?
Who does suffer fools gladly?
Is an easy plot easy to follow simply by following it?
Where do they find the prawns that have the sweet and sour balls?
Do fish fart?
What do sperm whales think about?
Is a castrated pig, disgruntled?
If you get your eyes and your asshole mixed up, would you have a shitty
outlook on life?
Why do silent farts smell so much worse than loud ones?
Why is it that when they show a computer advert they show computers
and when they show a car advert they show cars but when they
show a condom advert they show people playing tennis?
If Xerox and Wurlitzer merged, would you have a company that sold
reproductive organs?
Is the reason we call them SEMINARS (from the words 'semi' and 'arse')
because it implies any half-arsed discussion?
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
What's the purpose of training bras? What can we teach them?
Do teddy bears have cotton balls?
Is it true that nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a
Playmate centerfold?
If you put gum over your arsehole and farted, would it make a bubble?
If governments promote and encourage free information exchange then
why do they get so upset when you hack into their computer
systems to get it?
When does a blind man know he is finished wiping his arse?
Is it true that you can get Hearing AIDS from listening to too many
assholes?
Do farts smell so deaf people can enjoy them too?
How can you be anally retentive about farting?
Are vampires immune to AIDS?
Why is it that no matter how tall you are or where you're standing, if
you're washing your hands, and the water splashes you, it always looks
like you've pissed yourself?
When a female lawyer loses her briefs - is she a solicitor?
Why is it that a doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off
all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband?
Does an analyst have to be anal?
If your wife leaves you for another woman, should you hold the door
for both of them?
Did you ever notice that people make love like they shop? Men are in
and out, but women take all day!
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment,
but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's 60p per minute?
A woman who can't get enough sex is called a nymphomaniac. What do
you call a man who can't get enough sex?
Why do they have that award The Sexiest Man Alive? Doesn't this imply
that they have an award for the sexiest dead man? Do they really
think that a dead body is sexy? (Don't answer that one Rob!)
When two gay men or two lesbian women go out on a date, who pick's
up the bill?
If Pamela Anderson breastfeeds her baby, does that mean that the
baby's milk comes from plastic jugs?
Why is it that you never see dust on a dirty magazine?
Why do Christians worship a God who violated a virgin's civil rights?
If God condones the gay life, why did he make Adam and Eve and not
Adam and Bruce?
Why miss heaven by a few inches, when you can miss it by a mile?
Is the reason that prehistoric man died off, because they were
Homo-sapiens?
In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing
the word 'zzzz' to 'sex' ?
On the old TRS-80 line printers there is a warning sticker that reads
'Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer'. What do
they mean by 'personal objects'? And what sort of person would put a
'personal object' into one?
If you can see your breath in cold weather, can you see a fart?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
I wasn't meant to be a nudist, why was I born without clothes?
What is the sound of shit happening?
If you had too much on your mind, would you be kicked out of a nudist
colony?
Can a midget at a nudist colony help it if he sticks his nose in everyone's
business?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them
to go?
Do Fish Drink?
Is the only difference between a rut and a grave the depth?
Does a Piss artisit actually paint with his own urine?
Why do people find it diffiult to make peanut butter sandwiches after they
have just had a shit?
If you lost your sofa, would you look down the back of your loose
change?
Is the best way to make a cat flap to kick it?
Is ministrone soup made out of lots of small cars?
Is the best reason for getting rid of crime is that we will then get rid of
all lawyers as well?
Are the turkeys the most musical of animals, as they come with two
drumsticks?
Do fish wash in the river basin?
If a cat joined the red cross would he bocome a first aid kit?
Do drunks not choose thier drinks, but let thier drinks choose them?
Does a closed mouth gather no feet?
Why do people say, 'watch your head' when there is no possible way
that you can do that?
Is a toupee just a posh wig?
Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we
supposed to try it? At school? At Work?
If someone tells you to 'get a life', are they implying that you are in fact
dead?
How can you prove you're not crazy to people who are?
If only the good die young, will we live forever?
We sometimes say 'the kettle is boiling'? Isn't it just the water that is
boiling?
What's the point of the 'Take as needed' label on medicine bottles? If
you didn't need them, you wouldn't be taking them.
Why, on a bottle of medicine, do they put the words 'Shake Well' and
'Shake Gently'? What is the difference and why?
Could something be as "clear as the nose on your face", if you have a cold?
Are left handed people the only people in their right minds?
Is it possible for reality checks to bounce?
All things considered, isn't insanity the only alternative?
Is politics just the entertainment branch of industry?
Why should we be politically correct when we can be right?
Doesn't gun control just protect you from being able to shoot back?
They say that Capitalism is all about man exploiting man, but isn't
Socialism just the reverse?
On a box of Shredded Wheat, the labelling reads 'Ingredients 100%
whole wheat'. Why do they put a warning on the box that it may contain
traces of nuts? Doesn't 100% mean the whole thing?
On the Pop-Tart box, why do they state 'Warning: Pastry Filling May Be
Hot When Heated'?
Why do they put a warning on a bag of salted peanuts that it contains nuts?
Why is shortening such a long word?
If drinks can be watered down, does that mean they can be watered up?
Why is it that we eat food up, yet we down a drink?
Why is it that on juice cartons, they put the words 'Serve Ice Cold'? How
else would you serve ice?
Do sacred cows make the best hamburgers?
Why are poor crazy people called insane while rich crazy people are
called eccentric?
If you borrow money from a pessimist, would they expect to be repaid?
Why is it that in a Bond film where there are fifty bad guys and just one
of him, he never gets hit but they always do?
Why is it that when watching an action thriller, mystery, horror, or
suspense movie with some friends, and it goes dead silent, the person
beside you always says "It's too quiet!"?
Why don't people in horror films follow the Sacred 500 Commandments of
Horror Movies? You know, like "Don't turn around", "Never
look behind you when you're running", and "If you hear a noise in
another room and find out it's only the cat -- GET OUT OF THERE!! It's
not the cat!".
We all know about the TV show Deep Space 9, but where are Deep
Space 1 through 8?
Should they rename the Mir space station Deep Shit 9?
Why are we taught pottery at school? What possible emergency could
we find later in life to all of a sudden have to make a pot?
Why is it that headmasters are always campaigning to have the cane
brought back?
Is the best thing about penpals the fact that you can write to them?
Would a masochist give a starving dog a rubber bone?
It is very hard to be an atheist during sex, isn't it?
There is proof that God IS a man, and his name is Harold. Does it not
say, in the Lord's prayer itself, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold
be thy name'?
When robbing a bank, would the best thing to wear be a black binliner,
bra and a saucepan on your head, just to make the actors on
crimewatch look stupid?
When people spill anything on themselves, why do they always treat it
like acid?
Why do some people carry their own phone numbers?
In Roman times people used sheep's bladders as condoms. Why do I
always get the image in my head of a Roman walking along with a
sheep attached to his penis, the excuse being he couldn't be bothered
to take the condom out of the packet?
Is there something wrong with a man who gets erotic thought about the
Queen Mother?
What is the point of weather veins? You can tell what way the wind is
blowing by just standing there.
Why does the Queen pay taxes? The money goes to the government,
which in turn is in the service of the queen. Is this is what is called self-
employment?
Once a thought has crossed your mind, where does it go? And where
was it before?
How deep does a thought have to be to be a deep thought?
Why do they call them Prawn Cocktail flavour Crisps, and not just prawn
flavour? They don't call them Salt and Vinegar cocktail or Cheese
and onion cocktail, do they?
Can animals actually talk? How are we to know if they just don't want
to speak to us?
Are friends just people who's telephone numbers we haven't lost yet?
Is the only difference between sex and AIDS is that AIDS will last
forever?
At the pub, would it be easier to buy you pint and pour it straight down
the toilet, therefore cutting out the middle man?
If you went to a really posh school, would the gym be called a James?
When you drop a round object into a bath full of water it makes round
waves. When you drop a square object into the same bath of water
why does it still make round waves?
Can only really rich crocodiles afford dental treatment as they have so
many teeth?
Should you listen to a person who doesn't listen to their own advice?
Why do we need science fiction when life is already so bizarre?
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never
just see ception?
When staying in a hotel, why is it the only courteous and efficient
employees you meet are the automatic swing doors?
Why are there only two temperatures for food in a restaurant - too hot,
and too cold?
Why are the only television programs that are allowed to show scenes
of graphic sex and violence before the watershed are natural history
programs?
Are people that take a sideways look at life always drunk?
They say that if you pick up a penny you will have good luck all day.
Why do I always find myself picking up pennies at five minutes to
midnight and never at six o'clock in the morning?
Were computers invented by God to teach people how to deal with
constant frustration?
Were computers invented by the devil to get people to curse a lot more
so they would go to hell?
Is the little blinking thing on the computer screen called a cursor
because if you don't curse enough, the computer won't work?
Are frogs the only animals that are truly immortal? Do they not croak
EVERY night, and still get up in the morning?
Was the concept of farming created by tired hunters with sore feet?
If we are descended from apes, how come there are still apes? Why
didn't they evolve as well?
If I throw a stick away I don't want it. Why does my dog always bring it
back? And why does this make him mans best friend?
Dogs are supposed to be man's best friend. Would you take your best
friend for a walk on a lead so he can have a shit on the pavement?
If you owned a pet shop and wanted to sell a lot more parrots, would
you sell a lot more if you taught them how to say "I miss my little
brother"?
Is it unwise to buy a second hand parachute advertised as "Only used
once"?
Should you always get married in the morning, so if it doesn't work out
you haven't ruined the whole day?
Is a light year just like a normal year with 50% less fat?
Why does trouble always start as fun?
Can goldfish live in lager?
Can I live in lager?
If iron doesn't float, how come ships stay afloat?
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he had a Mexican name?
Where does all the rubber go from all the car tyres that wear out?
Why do we drink alcohol at parties when we know it will make our
heads hurt the following morning?
Why do they call it Australian rules football when it so obviously has no
rules? Is it not just a fight with a ball?
Should people from Scotland always be considered dangerous because
they have the only national dress that consists of a concealed weapon
(knife in the sock)?
Is the only reason the Mersey runs through Liverpool, because if it
walked it would get mugged?
Why do so many people who give up smoking cigarettes keep on
smoking other peoples cigarettes?
Why do one way systems always go the opposite direction to where you
want to go?
If, according to your bumper sticker, 'Your other car is a Porsche', why
are you driving that piece of shit that you've got the sticker on?
What came first, the car or the car insurance salesman?
How can people use a clockwork radio? They are designed for
countries that have no electricity, but if there is no electricity, surely
there can be no radio stations until somebody invents clockwork radio
stations?
Is light just a brighter version of dark?
Why do American Express keep on sending me application cards for
their gold card when I only earn a fraction of what is needed to apply
for it?
Why do drive up ATM machines have Braille on them, how can blind
people drive?
Is a cow that has just given birth de-calf-inated?
Is the biggest problem in Australia getting rid of unwanted boomerangs?
Is a broken boomerang simply a stick?
Do they have English take aways in China?
If Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets, does it mean it is
really, really, REALLY cold outside?
Mountaineers talk about going up Everest the easy way. Is there such
a thing as an EASY way up Everest? Is there an elevator around the
back or something?
Do you get ground beef from cows with no legs?
Does corned beef come from Cows, or Corn?
Would stand up comedians sit down if they could?
Why do we always mourn death, not celebrate life?
If you put a bird in an aeroplane, would it be flying, but not flying?
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.
Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
In junior school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn
slower?
In the James Bond films, how does Q always know exactly what James
Bond needs? Is he psychic?
Can you confuse an open mind with one that is just vacant?
Is it true that five out of four people don't know how to read
percentages?
Is constant change here to stay?
How big was the big bang?
Does everyone have a scheme for getting rich that will not work? And
why do most of them enjoy sending junk mail to tell me about it?
Is common sense a collection of prejudices acquired by the age of 18?
Does being good at being stupid not count?
Why does success always occur in private, and failure in full public
view?
If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate?
Which came first, the Chicken or everything else that tastes like
chicken?
Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a
woman be called a "Dragnet"?
If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in
a line take so long?
If I am, do I drink?
What would you rather have, no short-term memory or... I forget the
question?
What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap?
If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an
infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite
mount of crack, would they be able to produce a list of Deep
Thoughts?
How much wood would a woodchuck have, if a woodchuck had a
woody?
Given an infinite number of sad twats in an infinite number of Star Trek
conventions, would there be at least one with a life?
Can God make Marlin Brando so big that even he can't move him?
If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?
If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her
male friend in the forest and no one buys it, does it make a sound?
What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad?
If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his
sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell
on him?
If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much
longer?
If Mike Tyson bit off Jesus' ear in a fight, would it be a foul or a
sacrament?
If you hit the break key on the keyboard, what breaks?
In regard to Daylight Savings Time, why don't we move the clocks half
an hour and be done with the whole thing?
Isn't it amazing what a safe and cautious driver you suddenly become the
moment you realize you left your driver's license at home?
We are informed that to contribute to safer driving we should always
drive with our hands at the ten o'clock and two o'clock positions on the
steering wheel. Now that daylight saving is again in effect, does
this mean that we must now drive until Autumn with our hands at the
eleven o'clock and three o'clock positions on the steering wheel?
Do you think Noah blamed El Nino for the flood?
What should a neighbourhood do if all its Neighbourhood Watch signs
are stolen overnight?
If you're wondering what to buy for a man who has everything, shouldn't
you consider getting him a calendar to remind him when the payments
are due?
What do you do when you step up, and the bull has no horns?
Why do waiters/waitresses come and ask if everything is okay, when
you have a mouthful of food?
Is what you are doing today, getting you closer to where you want to be
tomorrow?
Why is it that to belittle is to be little?
When we want to cover over our past mistakes, how do we distinguish
between our mistakes and our way of living? Is there really a difference?
If you try hard to be modest, can you be proud of it?
Why do people always remember where they were when someone
famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?
Why is the man always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick
and/or tending the grill?
Why do women always have to sleep in the middle of the bed?
Does a woman feel that a dog's best friend is a man because she thinks
they're related?
Would you say that Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage? After all, he
didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Why is it that we can be knowledgeable with other people's knowledge,
but we cannot be wise with other people's wisdom?
Which came first, the Question or the Answer?
How do we know if it's later than we think?
Yeah sure, the grass is always greener on the other side, but doesn't it
still have to be mowed?
Why does the early bird get the worm, but good things come to those
who wait? Isn't life confusing enough?
Doesn't whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken, depend upon your frame of reference?
Someone once said "If you can't beat them, join them". Does that mean
you're supposed to join them in beating yourself up if you are being
mugged?
If you could really think of, and do, absolutely nothing for a moment,
where would you be at that precise moment? And would you know
it?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If we all thought alike then would any of us be really thinking?
Isn't being logical just the art of being wrong with confidence?
Is the problem with reality the fact that there's no background music?
How do we know if we're thinking straight?
Would you have to think twice before giving something a second
thought?
If we live in a man-made world, why can't we remake it?
They say that if you don't do it, you'll never know what would have
happened if you had done it, but if you actually do it, would you know
what would have happened if you didn't do it?
If you always told the truth, would you have to remember anything?
Sure the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but won't
the water bills be higher?
If we're thinking of not doing something because we'll hate ourselves in
the morning, why don't we just plan on sleeping till noon?
Why do golfers blame fate for most accidents but feel personally
responsible when they make a hole-in-one?
Is gardening just another way for God to place man on his knees?
What is the difference between retired and unemployed?
If you're not tired, how can you be retired?
What was the first parachutist thinking when he jumped out of the plane?
And do you think he really jumped on his own accord?
Should we thank God that all of our prayers AREN'T answered?
Don't you think that if we all would confess our sins to one another, we'd
all laugh at the lack of originality?
What if God doesn't believe in people?
They say more people believe in the paranormal than God. What's more
paranormal than God?
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you can't follow
in his footsteps?
Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
Can an atheist be convicted of purgery if he lies after swearing an oath
to God?
If the devil makes use of idle hands, what does he do with busy hands?
What is the diameter of a square?
If time and space are relatives, do we have to invite them to our family
gatherings?
If helium existed in a solid form and you ate it, would you get heavier or
lighter?
If you dig up ruins from a hundred years ago under 6 feet of soil, how
come you don't have to dig a hundred miles or so to find dinosaurs?
Why is it that with every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation
Hercules, and there are still some misfits who continue to insist that there
is no such thing as progress?
Astronomers tell us the universe is finite. Isn't this a comforting thought
for when you can't remember where you left something?
Why don't they make computers that will do what we think we want
them to do?
What is with all this concern about computer illiteracy? Since when do
we expect inanimate objects to read?
Why is it that the longer a person's sig file is, the less that person actually
has to say?
What is the difference between 'More to Come' and 'Under
Construction'?
Is the reason that computer chips are so small because computers don't
eat much?
How come we don't have an adapter that would allow us to use the
laptop in bed? If we did, would it still be called a laptop?
Have you actually seen anybody use a laptop on their lap? Why don’t
they just call it a tabletop?
When new software comes out it's the ALPHA version. After hastily
made corrections, the BETA version comes out. Why is the next
version the Final or Production version, even when it still contains bugs?
Do software companies not know the third letter of the Greek
Alphabet?
Isn't applying computer technology, simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw?
Why is it that to stop Windows95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is the keypad on a telephone opposite of the keypad on a
calculator?
Can you list the things that haven't been invented yet?
Isn't an alarm clock just an aggravating thing that makes people rise and
whine?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
Is this instant, the one right now, the moment of the future that is
presently the past?
Why put off 'till tomorrow what you'll never do anyway?
Why do people ask us if we have the time? Do we look like thieves?
Why do pilots say "We are now making our final approach"? Did they
make other approaches that they didn't tell you about?
Isn't an aeroplane landing just a controlled collision with Earth?
What difference does it make whether you tell the check-in agent
whether you're carrying a bomb or not? Surely it's not whether you're
carrying a bomb that matters, but if you're planning on exploding it?
When checking in for your flight, why do they ask if you've recently
handled any explosives? Are they worried you might clap your hands
and blow up during mid flight?
Why do people willingly get together into groups of 200 and strap
themselves into a hollow metal tube which moves faster than a speeding
bullet at altitudes of up to 30,000 feet, in the hands of a complete
stranger?
What if you made a bomb or a gun that didn't look like one? Would you
be lying when the check-in agent asks you "Does your bag contain
anything that looks like a bomb or a gun"?
Do they fly up to 30,000 feet just to scare people, or just to make time for
the in-flight meal?
If the aeroplane is falling out of the sky at a 45 degree angle, the air is
being sucked out of the plane, and your little oxygen mask falls
down, will you be able to reach it if you've got your seat belt on?
If your aeroplane is falling out of the sky from 30,000 feet, why do you
have to strap yourself in?
If the aeroplane you're on is going to crash, why do they try to stop you
from passing out by giving you oxygen?
Why is it that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, yet anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?
Why is it that an earthquake 4,000 miles away always seems less of a
catastrophe than the first scratch on your new car?
Why do all the perfect drivers always seem to be in the back seat?
If a man tells you he's honest, should you believe him?
If you have extreme poverty, surely that means you have something?
Why can I never order a larger room from room service?
Does time wound all heals as well?
Isn't it strange that most people are born at such an early age?
Is it deja vu or have you heard this deep thought before?
Is it deja vu or have you actually been here before?
Is it deja vu or have you heard this deep thought before?
If shops advertize thier products as the best around, why do they also
offer money back garentees? If there products are so good, surely
you won't need to take them back?
If chicken meat is called chicken, why is sheep's meat called lamb, or
cows meat called beef?
Is it possible to be trapped in a haircut that you no longer believe in?
Just what is Captain Birdseye doing on that boat with all those children?
If you always give up, can you ever loose?
If the bottom is about to fall out of your world, should you have a curry,
as then the world will fall out of your bottom?
Just why do otherwise intelligent people buy cinema hot-dogs?
Is love a device created by bank managers to make us overdrawn?
Is the only difference between us and animals is we don't lick our
genitals to clean them?
Is sumo wrestling just two fat blokes leaning on each other?
Are the only good royal's dead royal's?
Are experts just people who know what they like?
Why do parents tell everyone how wonderful it is to have kids, while
simultaneously saying how terrible their own ones are?
If UFO's are real why do they only appear to people that are so mad the
cannot hold a camera straight or keep it in focus?
If curiosity killed the cat, what could it do to other, more intelligent
mammals, or indeed tinned fruit?
Do wasps also produce honey? And if they don't, just what purpose do wasps serve?
Why is fast food very infrequently fast, nor what I'd describe as food?
Is McDonald's just like Dirty Harry - Each of them want to make your day,
but you'd rather they didn't?
If two musicians wanted to live together, could they share a b-flat?
If Oasis were born in Essex, would the song have been called "Don't
look back in Ongar"?
Is the true secret of life being totally truthful and honest, because once
you can fake those, you can do anything?
Were the only things that kept me out of the Vienna boys choir the fact
that I'm not from Vienna, I'm not a boy, and I can't sing?
They say ecstasy makes you loose your memory, is that why can I never
remember taking ecstasy, or have I just never taken it?
Is the biggest ever decision in life to look, or to look away?
If you choose to look away, are you not still looking?
Just how happy is a lark? Any why is he so happy?
Why don't cats pant?
If dogs meowed and cats barked, who would purr?
Were cats put on this earth to remind us that not everything has a
purpose?
If you could teach an old dog new tricks, who would care? Surely not
the dog?
Can a dog wag it's tail backwards? If so, how would we know?
Do you think that when the insects take over the world, they will
remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics?
When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're
going?
Do apes go people when they get excited?
Is the reason we have two ears and only one mouth so that we can
listen twice as much as we speak?
Shouldn't taste buds on a woman's tongue be called budettes?
If nothing does it like 7-UP, wouldn't it be cheaper to just drink nothing?
If you kicked the Energiser Bunny, would you be charged with assaulting
the battery?
There's Bud Light, why isn't there a Bud Heavy?
How come the Round Table Pizza restaurants only have square and
rectangular tables?
Why do companies send an invoice, when there is no voice in it?
Shouldn't they call you on the phone and in voice tell you what you
owe?
Isn't the most difficult thing in the world knowing how to do something
and watching someone else doing it wrong, without commenting?
Why is it that general solutions to specific problems become specific
problems requiring general solutions?
Isn't a desk just a dustbin with drawers?
Why do they put up signs that read "wet floor", then get really mad
when you do?
If you always take time to stop and smell the roses, won't you sooner or
later inhale a bee?
If people really liked to work, wouldn't we still be plowing the land with
sticks and transporting goods on our backs?
Kids used to ask where they came from. Why is it that now they tell you
where to go?
Why do we only call baby children and baby goats, kids? What makes
these two species different from the others? Better yet, what exactly
makes them the same?
When a guy goes into a clothing store to buy his wife a dress, why do the
salesclerks ask if it's a gift?
Do people ask stupid questions for a reason?
If a yo-yo goes down and doesn't come back up, is it just called a yo, or
a round broken thing?
Could Humpty Dumpty have been pushed?
Is it possible for anyone to listen to the William Tell Overture and not think
of The Lone Ranger?
Should we ever pay attention to what the critics say? After all, have any
statues ever been erected to honour a critic?
Shouldn't we all be given the chance to prove that money can't make us
happy?
If you were really, really poor, could you pay attention?
How come there is light butter but no dark butter?
Just how much proof do you need, to know that it's alcohol?
If you whine when you drink wine, are you a whiner or a winner?
How did people ever figure out that eggs were edible?
Who ate the first oyster? For that matter, who ate the first clam? And how
did they know how to open them?
Since life is short, shouldn't we be eating our dessert first?
If the secret service is so secret, how come they have a number in the
phone book?
Why do they call it a tax return if they have no intention of returning any
of it?
If you have an ant farm, can you apply for a government subsidy?
How come when we have a problem with our glasses, we take them off
and look at them? Isn't the reason for wearing glasses because we
can't see without them? Just what do we expect to see by taking them
off?
Can blind people get bright ideas?
If a colour blind person gets a bruise, do they get grey and dark grey?
Why should we worry about the world coming to an end today? Isn't it
already tomorrow on the other side of the world?
Why does the Bureau of Statistics always give out different death rates
for each country? Isn't it always just one per person everywhere?
How come no matter how healthy you are or how much you weigh when
you die, there are always six pallbearers to carry your coffin?
Should we be conserving toilet paper by using both sides?
Why is it that no matter how much manure you put on the plant, it still
tastes like a strawberry?
They say it's always darkest before dawn, so wouldn't that be the best
time to 'borrow' your neighbour's newspaper?
Do they make silencers for staple guns?
Doesn't following the path of least resistance make both rivers and men
crooked?
How come we believe that wrongs aren't wrongs if they're done by nice
people like ourselves?
If you commit suicide and are pronounced dead, then they bring you
back to life again, could you be tried for murder and condemned, if
found guilty?
Why is it that a collection of facts can be made to appear in so many
different ways?
If subpar means below par and submarine means below water, what
does sublime and substitute mean?
If you are born legitimate but take ill, does that make you ill-legitimate?
If incline means to go up and decline means to go down, then does cline
mean to stay even?
If someone calls you uncouth, does that mean you've lost your couth?
And if so, just what did you lose?
When two words are combined into one word, do you have two words
combined or just one word?
Why is it nothing good ever comes after the words "Sit down, we have
to talk"?
If you write the Spoken Word, is it not then the Written Word? Or does it
become the Unspoken Word?
A dot, a decimal point, and a period all look the same. How do we know
which is what?
Isn't the urge to destroy, a creative one?
Do true friends stab you in the front, instead?
Why is it that people who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have
one?
Do women like silent men because they think they're listening?
Why is it that most of women's problems start with men? MENestration,
MENopause, MENtal anguish, etc.
If men can "father a child", why is it that we never hear of any women
who can "mother a child"?
Did you know that men don't care what's on TV? It's what else is on TV
that matters.
Why is it that whatever goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it
would?
Did you ever wonder whether we are the people our parents warned us
about?
Is the biggest trouble with people, their trouble with people?
If a native Californian is a person born in California, why is a native
American an American Indian?
They say that every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Shouldn't we be
trying to find this woman and stop her?
They say that opposites attract like magnets. If this is so, then when we
are attracted to someone, how do we tell who is the positive one
and who is the negative one?
Why is it that whenever two men meet there are really six people
present? Each man as he sees himself, each man as the other sees him,
and each man as he really is.
Is there anything worse than being peerless in a peer-review system?
Who asked the first question, Adam or Eve?
Do brainstorms come with thunder and lightning?
Apart from the unknowns, isn't everything obvious?
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
Did you ever think that the glass is neither half empty nor half full, but
maybe it's just twice as large as it needs to be?
What came before the chicken AND the egg?
How come we never see any quotes from Adam or Eve? Surely they
must have said something intelligent?
They say a stitch in time saves nine. Nine what? And what if you only
wanted to save eight of them?
Are you really going the wrong way on a one-way street if everything is
coming your way?
Was philosophy invented just to explain obscure art?
If you didn't have problems, would you need people around to help solve
them? Conversely, if you didn't have people around, would you
have any problems?
If your imaginary friend thinks you're imaginary, would that make you a
figment of your imagination and therefore make you not exist?
How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?
We all want to be happy all the time, correct? But if all we had was
happiness, how would we know we were happy if we had no sad to be
happy about not having?
What if there was a war and both sides surrendered?
Is why easier to answer than why not?
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to
make sense, right?
If a fat man sings, does that mean i4t's half-time?
If you don't hear the fat lady sing, does that mean it's still going on?
When you're standing on the shore fishing with your catch beside you,
why do people ask you, when they walk by, if you caught that fish?
Just what do they think you are doing?
Why do people get up, take a shower, and then go jogging?
If you swim half way across a lake and realise you can't make it, do you
turn around and swim back?
Have you ever tried being ambitiously lazy?
Why do we have a great divide, but no great add, subtract, or multiply?
Why do we sometimes say "Nobody goes there anymore, because its
too crowded"? How can that be?
Wouldn't living be easier if men showed as much patience at home as
they do when they're fishing?
Is the real purpose of the Olympics just to let us know about all the new
countries in the world that we have never heard about before?
With respect to the use of drugs at the Olympics, isn't the gold medal
winner ALWAYS the highest on the podium?
Why is it called the Two Step if you do it for the whole song?
How come rodeos never have cow riding events for women?
Do you think female Sumo wrestling will ever be an Olympic sport?
At the 10-pin bowling lanes they have signs posted that tell us not to
throw the balls. Considering that the weight of these balls make lifting
them a chore, just how do they expect anybody to throw them?
If churches are making such an impact, how come we have to go to
them every week?
What if Noah had missed the boat?
Why do humans only care for animals that aren't ugly? (Have you ever
heard of a koala burger, or a seal pup slice?
What do people in France say when they swear?
At the beginning of films, why do they say 'It may contain sex, violence
and bad language'? Either it does or it doesn't.
Is a drugs sniffer dog the best job that can be given to a dog?
Do they have Chernobylly knees competitions in Russian holiday camps?
Do people who sign for deaf people have to wear boxing gloves in
bed in case they injure themselves while talking in their sleep?
Why do the letters I, R and A at the beginning of words always spell
trouble? Irate, Irascible, IRA, Iran, Iraq...
With the internet, is the village going global, or is the globe going
villagious?
How come Mystic Meg has never won the National Lottery if she's
supposed to be such a good psychic?
Is Mystic Meg what became of Rosemary's baby?
Why do the winning lottery numbers always look so bloody obvious the
following morning?
Is Christmas always cancelled in Ireland because they can't find three
wise men and a virgin?
Is it better to have loved and lost than to have paid for it and not liked
it?
Why do busses always arrive in pairs?
Why do real women never look like the mannequins in shop windows?
Can you get an SCGE in dyslexia?
Why does the Community chest in monopoly always remind me of my
last girlfriend?
Why don't they serve Ritz biscuits at the Ritz?
Is learning how to be an arsonist, and how to tie up people you've
kidnapped the only good reasons for becoming a Boy Scout?
Is the best way to avoid a traffic accident to stay at home?
If they want to keep death off of the road, should we all drive on the
pavement?
Does a really old man's toupee turn grey?
During middle age does your get up and go actually get up and go?
Is monopoly a game that parrots play on their own?
If I don't pay alimony can my ex-wife reposes me?
What would you send to a sick florist?
Is the best way of improving vegetarian food by adding a big juicy
steak?
Is Las Vegas so crowded because nobody has the money left for the
plane fare to leave?
Is social security a system that garentees you a steak after all your teeth
have fallen out?
Would people be in better health if they didn't get sick so much?
Why do men buy encyclopaedias when their wives know everything?
Why can we still not cure the common cold?
Is madness hereditary? Do we get it from our children?
Why are elections always held on a Thursday?
Why do people never hear us the same way we hear ourselves?
Why do people hate slugs, but like snails? After all, aren't they the same
animal with or without a home?
Do blind Braille readers have problems when they go to a house that
has embossed wallpaper?
When blind people die does their lives flash before their ears?
How did people in 1000BC tell the time?
Where do people who live in Lourdes go when they are ill?
How can Chewbacca in Star Wars perfectly understand English, but
only speak in his own dialect?
Should the motto of the 'Supersnaps' chain of photographic processing
shops be 'Someday soon my prints will come'?
Why do we tell children to make lots of friends, but then tell them not to
talk to strangers? How are they supposed to make friends if they
can't talk to strangers?
Why must everything require thought?
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, have you thought how you
could enjoy yourself with a box of apples and the doctor's wife?
Does the man who knows nothing and knows he knows nothing, know
more than the man who knows nothing and doesn't knows he knows
nothing?
If you shouted 1-4-7-1 after the postman would he have to tell you who
sent your post?
Can you tell shat a persons personality is by what they are like?
On the Starship Enterprise, when nobody is around, do they all swivel
around on the chairs?
In Star Trek, would Scotty sometimes forget to beam down their clothes,
just for a laugh?
Why don't we keeps gloves in the glove compartment?
Is this a question?
Did many a cavemen get serious injuries by playing leapfrog with
unicorns?
Change is inevitable. Do you always check yours?
If the universe is infinite does it man that everything that can exist does?
Would you give a man who has everything everything else?
Are accountants mathematicians that prove everything = everything
given adequate funding?
Did some cavemen get the piss taken out of them for wearing last
seasons mammoth skins?
Why is it that humour is always based around somebody else's
mis-fortune? And why is it the only language that has a word for this is
German? And why don't I find that surprising?
We all know that 666 is the number of the beast, but is 0.666 the
number of the millibeast? or is £6.66 the retail price of the beast? Or is
782.55 the number of the beast plus VAT?
Why do people who are served 'off' beer always insists that you taste it,
so you can see how vile it tastes as well?
What would happen if there was a lightning flash and it stayed on?
Where do female sex change patients get there penises from?
Can an ammeter footballer commit a professional foul?
Should the man who wins the Tour de France do a lap of honour?
Why do world heavyweight boxing champions need bodyguards?
If the Beetles were so good, why did they need Oasis to re-write all their
songs?
If Paul Daniel's is such a good magician, why can't he pull a better
toupeé out of his hat?
Is a powersaw a type of Dinosaur?
If a rottwieler starts to hump your leg, should you fake an orgasm?
Too save money, if you are stuck in a bumper to bumper traffic jam,
should you turn your engine off and let the other cars push you?
Should you ever lend money to a friend for plastic surgery?
Why do clouds stay in the sky?
Where do flies go in the Winter? And do the people who love there
wonder where the flies go in the summer?
Why is the sky always blue?
Where do the songs go on the radio when you turn it off?
If a mirror falls in the forest, and nobody is around to see it, does it make
a reflection?
Is beef wellington made from a real pair of wellingtons?
Is rat-au-van made from a rat that has been run over by a van?
Why did nobody ever build Titanic II? Especially after all the money
making potential of the first, TV rights, the movies...
Why didn't the Elephant man make another movie? He just made that
marvellous first one and then disappeared all together.
Did somebody in the future invent a time machine, go back in time and
visit the cavemen, tell them to draw all those pictures of men in ace
space suits on their cave walls, so that many years later they will freak
out archaeologists and UFO hunters?
What would sci-fi writers write about if everything had already been
invented?
Is the best woman you can find a sword swallower whose dad owns a
chain of ale houses? Or is it a woman who is exactly 3ft tall, with a
flat head to put your beer on?
Why do people say 'It's a dog eat dog world...'? Dogs do not eat other
dogs.
When people say that they will wait until the cows come home, where
have the cows been?
How can you think out loud?
Do you have to be off your trolley before you can get out of your tree?
If god had meant us to use our hands why would he have called it
football?
If England created football, why do we keep on loosing the world cup?
Do you have to study for a urine test?
Do women computer users receive Fe-mail?
Can vegetarians eat fruit?
In a really exclusive hotel is room service ex-directory?
How do you spell 'Pop' backwards?
Why do golfers shout 'Fore!'? Shouldn't they yell 'Get out the bloody
way'?
Who was Phillips, and why did he invent that awkward screwdriver?
Would the best way to decrease class sizes be to put up one of those
'Only two children allowed in at a time' signs on classroom doors like
the ones you see in Newsagents windows?
Surely the three R's should be replaced with Spelling, Writing and
Arithmetic?
Why are children not taught how do divide up a bill for a Chinese meal
12 ways at school?
In art lessons at school, shouldn't children be taught how to paint one
wall white, over and over again?
Is the best way to get rid of noisy neighbours by moving in with them?
When your neighbours are playing loud music, should you put some of
your tapes or CDs through their letterbox in the hope that they will
play music you like?
Is the worst question that can ever be asked by a woman, 'Is that as
big as it gets'?
Why can you never find a fire eater when there's a fire?
Why are toilet doors that don't shut properly always too far away to be
pushed shut with your foot?
In a restaurant, why do you always want to eat what someone else is
eating?
Why do people put up a sign that says 'This gate must be kept shut'?
They might as well of just built a fence.
When I see pitball terriers being walked by their owners, why do I
always think that the one at the bottom of the lead is more intelligent?
What is the difference between lead and lead? (A dog lead, an object
made of lead)
Do elephants need to apply for planning permission when they have a
shit?
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